I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Chemical wingman
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.