“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
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me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*