If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
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Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.