i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
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Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.