i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

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I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.


I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.


me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe


My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.


I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future


WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*


One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.


CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint


No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.