@tpurvis06 If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
@prettysadmostly i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
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@tpurvis06 
@JasonNotEvil Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
@ericsshadow DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
@TheAlexP [1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
@justabloodygame No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
@TheCatWhisprer I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
@BrettDruck Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
@icrushedmyhalo Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
@IamEnidColeslaw who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
@GlumGeorgeLucas My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.