I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
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*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”