“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
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Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.