@bingowings14 If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
@ilovepie84 I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
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@bingowings14 
@NewDadNotes Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
@PleaseBeGneiss 911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
@bobvulfov me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
@TheBoydP [Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
@greek_heanen The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
@WilliamAder The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
@SteveKoehler22 A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
@MarfSalvador me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
@BigJDubz Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
