I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

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Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.


5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.


I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane


Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.


[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*


[having sex]
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!


I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan


[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*


Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.