@ilovepie84

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

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@bingowings14

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

@NewDadNotes

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

@PleaseBeGneiss

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

@bobvulfov

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

@TheBoydP

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

@greek_heanen

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

@WilliamAder

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

@SteveKoehler22

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

@MarfSalvador

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going