@ilovepie84

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

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@PajamaStew

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

@PJTLynch

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

@amyoosed

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

@rockymomax

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

@Matt_The_1st

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

@Brampersandon_

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

@MiahSaint

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.