I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
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Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl