I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
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Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.