I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
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Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Me recordaron éste meme
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.