@AsgardianRose

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

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@iscoff

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

@iwearaonesie

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

@tastefactory

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

@68Cly29

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

@JJSummertime

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

@traciebreaux

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

@E_lok44

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

@darksidedeb

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.