I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
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You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
*lint rolls you awake*
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down