I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
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So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I’m being attacked 😭
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.