I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
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It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.