I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*