I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
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wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless