I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
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[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.