i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.