I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
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chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Not helping
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.