I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
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I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now