I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
british sex workers really pound for pound
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page