I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

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” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.


If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.


Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.


I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭


*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*


*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird


Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”


[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU


I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.