I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
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Wait a minute…
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
who wore it better?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
ready to be harvested
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy