I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
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Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]