I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
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[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments