I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
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My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
scared to check what name she chose
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.