@ericsshadow

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

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@DaddyJew

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

@Shade510

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

@KateWhineHall

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

@WilliamAder

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

@Alex_but_online

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

@Mandiatrandom1

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

@withanewname

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

@OddlyDank

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

@impaulmccoy

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi