I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

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Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!


*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.


Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.


To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”


Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-


Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.


[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”


“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.


“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi