@MadHatterMommy The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
@ericsshadow I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
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@MadHatterMommy 
@DaddyJew Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
@Shade510 *trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
@KateWhineHall Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
@WilliamAder To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
@Alex_but_online Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
@Mandiatrandom1 Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
@withanewname [my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
@OddlyDank “Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
@impaulmccoy “Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi