I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
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it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.