I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
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I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
WTF IS THAT!
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”