I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
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My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw