I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
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Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?