I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
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me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee