I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

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McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.


If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.


Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?


He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.


don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???


I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.


The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga