I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
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I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Solving a traffic jam
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
6. me as a lawyer
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink