@RackOfSteel

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

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@SoulYodeler

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

@caribbeankris

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

@GloriaFallon123

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

@capnwatsisname

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

@roastmalone_

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

@ReelQuinn

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

@Jermaine1st

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

@ZackBornstein

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!