I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
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I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
*serious situation*
My brain:
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
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