I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
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Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]