I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
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If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit