I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
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Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
same but as an audience member
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening