I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Tier 3 meme
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.