I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
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My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.