I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
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[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
🖤✌🏽
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes