I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
You Might Also Like
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
What
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]