I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
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*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.