I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
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Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
very niche meme I made
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.