I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
You Might Also Like
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count