I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
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[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.