I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
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Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Don’t make me out nice you.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?