I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
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I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
somebody come look at this
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Doctors texting each other.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”