I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.