I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
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I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.