I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
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Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
This is my emotional support knife.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.