I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
me: *tears up application to harvard
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property