I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
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*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.