I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
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Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.