I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
You Might Also Like
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Quadruple digit IQ
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Dammit Chief not again
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.