I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
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The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.